Y SO SERIOUS?

Vanity and boredom attacks.

Halloween 2011

Halloween Party at Maha's. Decided to dress up first and prepare with the girlies before going there. Dressed as zombie school girl, both Izzie and Caro dressed as vampires and Nina dressed as a Cowgirl. 

Smile, cause that was so yesterday.

It's funny reading my posts from months ago. I immediately asked myself  "Was i really that emo? Was i really that mad and selfish?" It's crazy. I actually want to delete the post before this, but i guess it's fine cause it's what i was going through and thinking of at that time. I guess it could be a memory from the past, which i could just go back to from time to time and say to myself, "Hey, i survived."

I'm okay now. Yes, i still do feel sad sometimes, i mean that was my first heartbreak ever, who could blame me? I've accepted what has happened already; i'm not mad anymore. First of all, long distance relationships are really hard so i respect those couples who are in it and have actually made it through that obstacle. But the long distance relationship that i went through was hard because i do believe that he did break up with me for my own good. He didn't want me to miss the opportunities i have here overseas and that he knows i'd have a better life here compared to the life i would have in the Philippines. Before i thought that was just an excuse to get rid of me, but now i respect his decision.

It's sad though because we could have had it all. I mean the love we had for each other was never the issue, it's just the timing and the happenings. But it has already been 3 months since the break up, i've already cried a lot, i've done a lot of thinking, i've taken my friends' advices already and i'm now okay. I'm just 17 so i still have a lot of time to meet a new guy who can make me smile more and make me happier. I'm not focusing on that now though, since i am still in the process of moving on completely. And when that time comes, when i'm completely okay and over him, i can open up to the right guy and be genuinely happy.

Love,
TEP

Dear Diary,

Noong nakipag-break siya sabi niya it's for my own good daw, kasi mas maganda mga opportunities dito sa ibang bansa kaysa bumalik ako sa pinas just for him.. First of all, gagawin ko talaga yun whether he likes it or not dahil mahal ko siya ng sobra sobra, kaya he shouldn't be the one making the decision kung saan want ko pumunta or what.. Second ang sakit lang 'cause sinabi lang niya yun to make me feel better, cause i don't deserve to know the real reason on why he wants to breakup and be a free man. I'd get hurt either way so sana he told me the truth na lang. Ang sakit. I've planned a lot for our 2nd year anniversary. Dami ko ginawa.. Pero napunta lang sa wala. Ang sakit lang dahil nalaman ko yung tunay na siya in this problem of being far away from each other. Na nalaman ko kung hanggang saan nga ang pagmamahal niya for me, na may limit din pala. Ang sakit lang dahil nawasak na lahat ng dreams ko, because to tell you the truth, he is in every single one of my plans and dreams for the future. Para bang, wala na lahat ng pinaghirapan ko. Ayaw ko na sa LDR. Yoko na sa love. It's better to leave words unspoken than to try and mend a heart those words have broken. Haaay yoko na umuwi ng pinas, yoko na magplan ng future ko, yoko na magtiwala sa mga guys about love, yoko na. I don't wanna know him anymore, kung pwede magerase ng memories gagawin ko lahat. Dahil, ang sakit talaga. Ang sakit...

I'm the disappointment

I can't help to think that i'm the problem. For some reason, i always end up being the disappointment in our relationship. I've caused my boyfriend so much pain without intending to for the past years. I always end up making wrong decisions and right now, we're in the worst possible state - we are in a long distance relationship. And it's my fault again. I'm the one who moved away, i'm the one who put him in this hard situation. I don't know what to do anymore. I've already tried letting go for his sake, because i know he deserves someone way better than me. He deserves to be happy and not have a hard time just because of one girl. He's perfect. He's a guy that every girl has ever dreamed of. That's why i put the blame on me, because i can't treat him right. When i love him, sometimes i love him too much that i feel like i'm controlling his life. But i don't want that, i want him to have freedom, i want him to enjoy his life and not be trapped just because his girlfriend is confusing and is a little too far away from him. I think of his sake all the time but i end up hurting him more and i end up hurting myself as well.

So it's me. At the end of the day, i blame myself even though he'd constantly assure me that i'm not. I just can't help it. But this is what i will do, i will love him. I will continue loving him more and more each day even if it hurts, even if  our situation is hard. I will continue doing my part as a girlfriend and as a lover. I'm going to be there for him no matter what happens. I'm going to continue trying because i know he is trying as well. I know he's also doing his best for our relationship to work and i won't just throw away his efforts in just a click. I won't give up on him until he'd say i should. That's how much i love him.

Waiting for what?

Seriously, i've been waiting for signs, for answers or at least some little assurance so that i'd know where i should be or go 5 months from now. It's frustrating to just wait for something you know could be life changing, but you get no answers back. It makes me mad and sad. It's driving me crazy.

My Love For My Hometown

"You're so lucky you're in Europe.", "Wow, you're life will be better there than in the Philippines", "Consider yourself very lucky with the opportunity given to you".

I hear those all the time from people who do not understand me. Yes, i know i am blessed because we're given the chance to live in a developed country such as Germany. Being in Germany i could taste food some people in the Philippines would never have the chance to even try, i could get the things i want and i could experience a better life here. But i guess for me, i'm still longing for what my life used to be in the Philippines. Where it may be hard, but fun. Life there may not be as luxurious but i like it that way. I am happy with just the simple things in life and in the Philippines, i can live a really happy life by just being simple and being myself. I have lived in different countries already, 4 to be exact including the Philippines. I have to admit that no other place would ever beat my hometown.

In the first place, i didn't want to go back to the Philippines since i got use to life abroad. I don't know anything about my country, i didn't know how to speak the language and i didn't know how to live life in a simple way. But after living there for 3 years, i fell in love with the Philippines. The people there taught me how to be a better person. I also met real and true friends, who i know i can always count on. Lastly i met a guy who has truly changed me and made me a happier person. Everything i need in life is in my hometown. 

So when people judge me saying i'm crazy and that i don't know what i'm saying, or telling me that i should be happy with living abroad, i just stay silent. I know for a fact that i don't have to explain myself to them. I don't have to go deeper with how i feel. I don't have to explain why i think differently from them, because they firstly need to step into my shoes to experience what i have experienced, both good and bad, to understand my perspective in life. To understand that i do want to go back and live in the Philippines again not just because of my friends and boyfriend, but because i know that i can be myself and that i can be successful one day in my own hometown that i love.