I'm the disappointment

I can't help to think that i'm the problem. For some reason, i always end up being the disappointment in our relationship. I've caused my boyfriend so much pain without intending to for the past years. I always end up making wrong decisions and right now, we're in the worst possible state - we are in a long distance relationship. And it's my fault again. I'm the one who moved away, i'm the one who put him in this hard situation. I don't know what to do anymore. I've already tried letting go for his sake, because i know he deserves someone way better than me. He deserves to be happy and not have a hard time just because of one girl. He's perfect. He's a guy that every girl has ever dreamed of. That's why i put the blame on me, because i can't treat him right. When i love him, sometimes i love him too much that i feel like i'm controlling his life. But i don't want that, i want him to have freedom, i want him to enjoy his life and not be trapped just because his girlfriend is confusing and is a little too far away from him. I think of his sake all the time but i end up hurting him more and i end up hurting myself as well.

So it's me. At the end of the day, i blame myself even though he'd constantly assure me that i'm not. I just can't help it. But this is what i will do, i will love him. I will continue loving him more and more each day even if it hurts, even if  our situation is hard. I will continue doing my part as a girlfriend and as a lover. I'm going to be there for him no matter what happens. I'm going to continue trying because i know he is trying as well. I know he's also doing his best for our relationship to work and i won't just throw away his efforts in just a click. I won't give up on him until he'd say i should. That's how much i love him.

Waiting for what?

Seriously, i've been waiting for signs, for answers or at least some little assurance so that i'd know where i should be or go 5 months from now. It's frustrating to just wait for something you know could be life changing, but you get no answers back. It makes me mad and sad. It's driving me crazy.

My Love For My Hometown

"You're so lucky you're in Europe.", "Wow, you're life will be better there than in the Philippines", "Consider yourself very lucky with the opportunity given to you".

I hear those all the time from people who do not understand me. Yes, i know i am blessed because we're given the chance to live in a developed country such as Germany. Being in Germany i could taste food some people in the Philippines would never have the chance to even try, i could get the things i want and i could experience a better life here. But i guess for me, i'm still longing for what my life used to be in the Philippines. Where it may be hard, but fun. Life there may not be as luxurious but i like it that way. I am happy with just the simple things in life and in the Philippines, i can live a really happy life by just being simple and being myself. I have lived in different countries already, 4 to be exact including the Philippines. I have to admit that no other place would ever beat my hometown.

In the first place, i didn't want to go back to the Philippines since i got use to life abroad. I don't know anything about my country, i didn't know how to speak the language and i didn't know how to live life in a simple way. But after living there for 3 years, i fell in love with the Philippines. The people there taught me how to be a better person. I also met real and true friends, who i know i can always count on. Lastly i met a guy who has truly changed me and made me a happier person. Everything i need in life is in my hometown. 

So when people judge me saying i'm crazy and that i don't know what i'm saying, or telling me that i should be happy with living abroad, i just stay silent. I know for a fact that i don't have to explain myself to them. I don't have to go deeper with how i feel. I don't have to explain why i think differently from them, because they firstly need to step into my shoes to experience what i have experienced, both good and bad, to understand my perspective in life. To understand that i do want to go back and live in the Philippines again not just because of my friends and boyfriend, but because i know that i can be myself and that i can be successful one day in my own hometown that i love.

22 months and still counting.

Honestly, on the 30th of March, it didn't to mind that it was our monthsary that day. I was busy focusing on presentations and school work that i totally blanked out on what day it was. I received a message saying "Happy monthsary, I love you" during our physics class this morning and i totally flipped out. But i guess it's also because time was running way too fast that i didn't feel like a month had passed by already.


Last month it was a chaos for us. Well i was totally being very dramatic about a lot of things because i was so stressed with having problems about a lot of stuff that i needed a break. I totally made it hard for my boyfriend and made sudden decisions, which i regret doing. At that time, the whole distance was killing me. It was so hard to be away from him because i needed him so much and i missed him so much. But i couldn't do anything about it that i came to the conclusion that he needs to be happier and that he deserves to be happy without someone giving him a hard time. I thought i was doing the right thing for him, but i guess i wasn't.  I also thought about being happy by myself here and be open about changes and possibly a new me. I thought maybe i needed to be more open with other friends and to expect the unexpected. But no, i wasn't happy at all. When i had no contact with my boyfriend for a couple of weeks, i felt so lonely and sad. I was jealous of other random girls that i see being in contact with him, because i was so scared that they can actually take him away from me. But though i was jealous, i didn't tell him that and i didn't show him that. I guess it was because i felt like i had no right anymore to say that, and i also thought it was going to be his choice wether or not to fall for them. I wanted to give him the freedom to do what he wants to be happy.


After a couple of weeks, i gave in. I told him that i missed him so much and that i want us to be okay again. It was very awkward at first but we eventually went back to the normal us. We message each other more everyday, and we tell each other stories of everything that's been happening. I've learned that it's true that when you love a person, you should set that person free when you think they're having a hard time on you. But i guess for me, i just have to know that it takes 2 people to decide on that. It takes a lot of communication, patience, trust and love.

I'm Back!

Okay, i don't use this as much anymore. I guess i just want to start using this again so that i can express what i feel when i'm happy, sad, or mad.

Right now? I am happy :)